


the sins i left you for

by saltygiraffe4406



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Injury, One Shot, Orion Black's A+ Parenting, Protective James Potter, References to Depression, Sad, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, but like not a lot, but not really, eating disorder mention, not graphic, sirius really goes through it, stay safe, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:01:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24958804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltygiraffe4406/pseuds/saltygiraffe4406
Summary: Turning back to Regulus, Sirius spoke softly to him. "I'm sorry. I don't fit in here. I never have." Regulus pursed his lips and nodded."I know we haven't talked for a while. And I'm sorry, but please don't leave. Please, Sirius!" Regulus pleaded with him."You could leave, too, Reg." Sirius felt a flutter of hope ping through his chest, but quickly stomped it out. Regulus would never leave the family."I can't leave.""I can't stay."They stared at each other for a moment, stuck in time. "Goodbye, Reggie."If Sirius thought Regulus would startle at the old childhood nickname, he was wrong. The ghost of a smile flitted along his brothers lips. "Goodbye, Siri."With that Sirius took a deep breath, grabbed his trunk and left. He didn't look back once. Not when he walked the whole way down the street to wait. Not when he boarded the night bus. Not when the only place he could think to go left his lips in a strangled whisper."Godric's Hollow, please."
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 86





	the sins i left you for

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, all, here's a quick little one shot I wrote. If you came here for fluff, this is not the place, as it is pretty angsty. Please read the tags! Stay safe! 
> 
> Enjoy!

James had been having a shit day. More like a shit week. Or month. Scratch all that. James had been having a shit _year_. 

But at the moment he was more focused on the shit day. He hadn't been able to sleep properly the night before, which resulted in him falling asleep some time around three am, which was exceptionally late for the usual early riser. But he had gotten a letter from Remus and Peter, that had kept him up thinking. There was nothing particularly worrying in Remus' letter, but that was exactly what made James worry. The letter was extremely normal, which made James think something must be wrong. He knew that Remus often tried to hide if there was something wrong, for fear James would worry. However, Remus' hadn't said anything, and yet, James was still worried. 

So, he had woken with less hours of sleep than normal and extremely grumpy. Then, he found out his father had already left to go meet with some old colleagues, resulting in James having no quidditch partner. On top of that, his mother hadn't had time to make breakfast before she had left to run errands, so he had poured himself and unsatisfactory bowl of cereal. His dad had told him to do the summer assignments that day, as well, since he wouldn't be home. So, James had done homework most of the day, only to get in trouble with his parents for not cleaning his room like they had asked. So he hadn't even been able to enjoy dinner!

Basically, James figured the universe was fucking with him and it was impossible to have had a worse day. Then, there was a knock at the Potter Manor that night that showed James exactly how wrong he was. 

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!" 

Sirius winced as the booming voice sounded from downstairs. He very much did _not_ want to leave his bedroom to see why his mother was screaming at him about this time.

"Sirius, get sown here, now!" Orion called upstairs.

Shit. His _father_ was calling him! Now Sirius knew he had to go down if his father was calling for him. He opened the door, ignoring the chills that ran through him from coming out of his room. As he made his was down the black staircase, he ran through the possibilities of what he could be getting in trouble for. He couldn't think of any new reasons that his dad could be mad about. Sirius was still feeling repercussions from the beginning of the summer, sans him favoring his left leg as he walked down the stairs. 

After a long and painful walk down the stairs, Sirius came to the final landing to see his mother and father standing in the doorway of the kitchen. His mother was scowling, chin up and looking down on him. His father, however, was glaring at him, with his mouth set in a hard line. 

"Yes, father? Mother?" Sirius asked, tilting his head towards them. 

His mother spoke first. "We got a letter today from the school with you and your brother's marks on them." She held up a letter from and envelope with the Hogwarts seal on it. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. What the fuck could they be on about him for, now? 

"We were not happy with what we saw." Orion told him, looking down at him. Sirius was usually perfectly content with his 5'9 height, but with his father towering over him at 6'2, it just made Sirius feel inferior.

"What were you unhappy with?" Sirius was genuinely confused about why his parents were upset. He was sure he had done well in his classes. If anything, he though his marks would have been higher, considering he spent most of his spare time doing school work for the last bit of the school year. He racked though his brain, but couldn't think of anything.

"Why do you think we are unhappy, boy?" Walburga asked, the malice clear in his voice. 

"I'm not sure, mother. I believe I did well in my classes this year." If Sirius was going down, he may as well be honest and confident about it. His mother scoffed at his answer, while his father laughed humorlessly. 

"You did get high marks." Orion told him. Sirius scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. If not for his marks, what would the school letter get him in trouble for? Seeing his confusion, his mother presented the letter for Sirius to read. He looked down the list and- _oh._

Shit. Sirius had completely forgotten that he had taken Muggle Studies and Arithmancy, instead of Annceint Runes and Arithmacny as he had promised his parents. If his parents had been mad he had hurt Snap, _a slytherin_ , then for this he was _dead_. The only reason he hadn't been as horribly punished about Snape was because he had told his parents that he was a half-blood. 

"What exactly is the meaning of this?" Waburga barked out at him. "To be an even greater shame to the Black family name? Because that's what it feels like! You're just a filthy, ungrateful _brat_!" She screeched at him.

Sirius snorted and mumbled under his breath.

"What was that? Was that a reason for your stupid choice?" Orion asked.

Defiantely, Sirius lifted his head to meet his father's eyes and raised his voice, "I took it to educate myself on matters, this family is clueless about!"

As soon as Sirius said it, he knew his parents would be mad. Well, he knew before he said it that they would be mad, but he didn't _care_. He was so tired of living with such ignorance and he knew he couldn't have stopped himself.

His mother went nuts and started screaming at him. "How DARE you talk this way! Muggles are beneath us! Do you not listen when we talk? You are an ungrateful _brat_ that only wishes to embarrass us and TARNISH our family name! You should have never even been born!" Sirius took it with a still face. He had been hearing these kinds of things from his mother the past few summers especially and he acted like it didn't bother him, but Sirius knew deep down he was upset that his own mother had wished his existance away. He simply let her go on, though, until she finally calmed down. "Your father will deal with you now." She stepped forward and raised her hand. Willing himself not to flinch, he stood there and took it as she slapped him across the face. Head raised high, frown on her face, and furrowed eyebrows, she turned on her heal and walked back into the kitchen. Sirius knew she wished she could be the one to give him his punishments, but his father had told her it was inappropriate. And so, she relished in whatever she was allowed to give and left Orion to deliver the rest.

His father raised his hand and signaled for Sirius to follow. He walked inward in the direction of his study, not bothering to check if Sirius was following. His father radiated a sort of powerful energy, that compelled people to follow him. Sirius has never been so convinced. If he had been feeling any better, Sirius probably would have made some quip about the situation. 

As it was, Sirius muscles were screaming at him as he walked, still trying to heal from the curse his sweet mother had given him. He was surprised when she had stomped up to his room after his father had left and yellowed at him before throwing an _unforgivable.  
_

Sirius was also still bothering him from his fathers punishment at the beginning of summer. Also, Sirius hadn’t talked to any of the friends that had first inspired Sirius to start talking back. 

Either way, Sirius wasn’t feeling up to saying anything. Sirius deserves whatever punishment his father handed him. 

Not for taking Muggle Studies, of course, but for his many other mistakes. Especially for betraying Remus. That, Sirius thought, was the _real_ unforgivable. He knew that. So, Sirius followed after his father, ready to take his punishment with minimal restraint. 

Remus had been having a rather boring summer. He hadn't gone to any of his friends house, as their was still unresolved tension lingering as the results of the end of last school year. Remus was upset, naturally, about what Sirius had done. James had supported him of course, and Peter had followed the majority. It had left Sirius alone for the remaining three months of the school year. As the time had gone on, Remus had started to feel less angry about the situation, and was just feeling _sad_. He missed Sirius. And he knew James and Peter had missed him, too. The rest of the school had watched with bated breath as the Marauders slowly unraveled. They knew enough not interfere-all except Lily Evans, but she always something else-and had watched from the sidelines. The whole rest of the school year was off for _everyone_.

Now that it was the summer, Remus had taken time to reflect. He knew that had already forgiven Sirius. Remus had just needed time apart to heal. Know that it was summer, though, Remus just wanted everything to go back to the way it was and that included talking to Sirius. 

On top of everything, Remus was worried for the boy. He had isolated himself from almost everyone in those three months, only emerging for class and some meals, mostly spending time in the library. He figured Sirius had put up some sort of silencing spell around his bead as well, for Remus hadn't heard the boy having nightmares the whole time. It was either that or Sirius hardly slept. Remus figured it was probably both.

Either way Remus had been ready to forgive Sirius, but that was the end of the school year. Remus had resigned himself to forgiving Sirius when they came back from school. Unfortunately, Remus had forgotten how much he worried for Sirius during the parts of summer they didn't see each other. Remus knew that Sirius didn't get along with his parents since he had first met the other boy. As time had gone by, Remus learned that Sirius didn't even like to spend time at home, _at all_. Remus had tried to get Sirius to open up about it, but it was their fifth year, and Remus knew Sirius didn't often reveal how he really felt about most things, usually making a joke out of everything. So, he had resided with simply knowing Sirius could spend time at James' house for the summer. This year, though, Sirius didn't have that.

Heaving a great sigh, Remus looked to the stars. Oh how lucky the stars were. They didn't spend time worrying over things. Remus dipped his quill into the ink pot, resigned to write James a letter telling him about his normal summer. 

Remus looked back at the stars, ignoring the deep yearning in his chest. Ignoring the gaping hole of his lover. 

Yep, totally normal summer.

"Sirius?" A soft voice floated over to where he stood, gripping onto his trunk. "What's going on?"

Gritting his teeth, Sirius said, "Nothing, Reg. Go back to sleep."

"Why do you have your trunk?"

Sighing, Sirius met his eyes. "Why do you think Reg?" His brother didn't answer, just stood there and started at him. Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking again. "I'm leaving, Reg. I have to go."

"You really meant it? What you said to them?"

Sirius winced as he thought of the echoing sound of meta hitting flesh. Sirius had really thought he could just take it and ignore his father's taunting. Until his father had started insulting his friends. That was where Sirius drew the line. 

Turning back to Regulus, Sirius spoke softly to him. "I'm sorry. I don't fit in here. I never have." Regulus pursed his lips and nodded.

"I know we haven't talked for a while. And I'm sorry, but please don't leave. Please, Sirius!" Regulus pleaded with him.

"You could leave, too, Reg." Sirius felt a flutter of hope ping through his chest, but quickly stomped it out. Regulus would never leave the family.

"I can't leave."

"I can't stay."

They stared at each other for a moment, stuck in time. "Goodbye, Reggie."

If Sirius thought Regulus would startle at the old childhood nickname, he was wrong. The ghost of a smile flitted along his brothers lips. "Goodbye, Siri."

With that Sirius took a deep breath, grabbed his trunk and left. He didn't look back once. Not when he walked the whole way down the street to wait. Not when he boarded the night bus. Not when the only place he could think to go left his lips in a strangled whisper.

"Godric's Hollow, please."

If Peter had hoped to have a fun summer, he was greatly off the mark. He had a _shit_ summer! His mother's job had changed positions, and as such she had to spend more time there and was unable to get time off for a summer vacation that year. This normally wouldn't bother him so much. Except his friends weren't talking!

He so badly wanted everything to return to the way things were. Everytime they had passed Sirius in the halls or he had noticed Sirius absent for meals or he noticed Sirius slip out of the dorm early in the morning, Peter felt bad. He had felt the anxiety and dread pool in his stomach and made him want to ask the others for forgiveness. Then, he would see the look in Remus' eyes and the glare in James' and would change his mind. After all, who was Peter to say who was in the wrong? So, he had stayed in the background of it, avoiding Sirius and talking quietly with James and Remus. It was always quiet in the last three months without. Peter hadn't even noticed how loud Sirius was.

But Peter knew now. He knew and his wished he didn't have to. Because he missed his friend.

And now, stuck in his house, with nothing to do but write boring letters, Peter was feeling more anxiety.

He had felt excited when suddenly Jame's head had appeared in his fireplace. But that excitement was swiftly swept aside as he saw Jame's panicked expression. And as James had talked, Peter felt the color leave his face and the anxiety grow.

Oh how he wished the last year hadn't even happened.

When the night bus had arrived at Godric's Hollow, Sirius had tossed some coins at the driver and ignored the comments about going to St. Mungos. Sirius would be fine. He just had to find James first. He swayed slightly on his feet, but started making way for the Potter's house. He knew the way by heart, of course, but on the way from London, Sirius had continued to bleed from the cut on his forehead and leg, and it was making him a bit hazy. Sirius was slightly worried that James would just open the door, take one look at him, and close it in his face. The rational part of Sirius knew that wasn't probably and James was a good person. But Sirius was a bit too fucked and a bit too irrational to totally listen to that. 

He stumbled the whole way there, before he finally turned a corner and saw the Potter Manor in the distance. He let out a relieved sigh. He would just have to make it to the end of this street and he would see James. He took another step, before promptly falling to his hands and knees, effectively scraping his palms on the rough concrete. By this point, he was getting desperate to _just be there already_. He had just gone through hell with his parents and his body _fucking hurt_. Sirius had gotten good at playing pain off, but he was really hurting.

So, he said fuck it, and just started craling on all fours down the street. It was late, at least one in the morning, so most people in the neighborhood were sleeping. And at this point he didn't even care if anyone did see him. He just wanted to see James. 

Finally, he had made it to their small gate in front. He used it to pull himself into a standing position before limping over to the door. He raised a shaky hand and knocked on the door. He waited a moment, but nothing happened. He felt a burst of panic rise in him, and he knocked on the door again. Still nothing.

 _No. No. No!_ This could not be happening! Sirius needed James. James had told Sirius he would always be there for him. No matter what. In this instance, Sirius really needed him, He could feel his breaths come faster and his hands started shaking even _more_ and he thougt he mi-

"Sirius?"

Oh. Sirius blinked his eyes, willing away any wetness that appeared in them. Blacks did not cry.

"Sirius, why are you here?" 

Of course. James didn't want him here. He felt himself let out a pitiful whimper and he started sliding down. 

"Are you hurt?"

Or maybe he did. Sirius vaguely heard James call for his parents in the background, but he was more focused on the arms that wrapped around him and started leading him inside. He felt himself being laid down on the couch and the unmistakable voices of Mr. and Mrs.Potter nearby.

"You're going to be alright, Pads, we're going to help you."

 _James._ Against his wishes, Sirius felt himself choke out a sob as tears started falling down his cheeks.

"It's alright, Sirius. It's alright.'

So maybe he cried. But he supposed it didn't matter much if wasn't a Black anymore.

So Sirius let himself be soothed to sleep by the reassuring voice and gentle hands.

"But what happened?"

"Oh for the last time, Remus, I don't _fucking_ know what hap-"

"James?" Sirius croaked out. His voice sounded bad, but his throat hurt even more. He didn't care, though, just needed to talk.

James turned towards him, eyes widened like saucers. Sirius would have laughed if it didn't feel like sitting up would actually break him. Suddenly, James ran over to Sirius from where h was sitting on his bead and started asking him questions.

"Sirius! Your awake! How do you feel? What hurts most? Are hungry? Thirsty? Are you comfortable? Too hot? Too cold? I cou-"

" _James_." Sirius interrupted him. James paused mid-ramble and looked down at Sirius, before letting out a small sigh.

"Right," James whispered. "Let me help you sit up." James moved forward to help him, before Sirius interrupted again. 

"Why are you talking to me?"

Before James could answer, Remus walked over, followed by Peter. Sirius felt nerves swirl in his chest. He felt like shit ans wasn't sure he was up for this. But he was in no place to say anything, so let Remus do as he pleased.

"I'm sorry." Remus said.

And, wait. What? Sirius wasn't sure he heard correctly. 

"You're sorry? But I messed up?"

Remus let out a small sigh, before pursing his lips and sitting down at the edge of the bed. "Yea, but so did I. Besides, I think I already forgave you for anything you did." Sirius couldn't believe this. Remus _forgave_ him? Sensing, Sirius' confusion, Remus continued speaking. "Yes, I forgave you. I just needed some time to heal. But what we did was equally bad." Now, Sirius was worried. What could they have done that was worse?

Before he could say anything, though, James moved forward to help Sirius sit up. It was awkward and took a minute, but with a final grunt, Sirius was sitting up. "Before we continue, drink this." James held out a two cups, one with a potion, and another with water. Sirius took the potion first, souring at the bitter taste, before taking sips of the water. When he was done, James gently took it from him and set it down. 

"What happened?"

Sirius looked up at James, slightly startled. He figured they would ask, but he didn't think it would be so direct or so soon. When Sirius looked away, James spoke again.

"Mum said you were hurt pretty bad. Your leg was sliced up. Your back was all kinds of fucked up. Your ribs were broken. Fractured wrist. Plenty of bruises. And she thinks the nerve damage was from the _cruciatus curse_. So, Sirius, what fucking happened?" Sirius looked up again and saw James was standing, looking down at him, with his arms crossed. Beyond him, Remus was biting his lip, something he knew Remus did when he was nervous. It was all he had done on their first date. Peter was wringing his hands, leaning on the balls of his feet.

For once Sirius didn't know how to make this better.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered. It was all he could say. 

He saw how James visibly deflated before him. His arms uncrossed and his stern face was gone, replaced with a tired one. "We just need you to say what happened,"

Sirius hesitated. Then, he looked over at Remus and saw him mouth the word please. Peter looked about on the verge of tears. So Sirius opened his mouth. "My parents were upset about the letters from school."

He heard the sharp inhale from Peter, the gasp from Remus, and the strangled cry from James. "I'm sorry." Sirius looked up in confusion, wondering still, what they were sorry for. "I'm sorry I didn't see it."

Sirius shook his head. This was not on them. "No, it's not your fault."

"But, Sirius," James started. "We should have noticed. We should have gotten help before it turned into this."

"It's not your fault. If I wanted you to know you would have. But I didn't want you to."

That was the wrong thing to say, though, as they only looked sadder. 

"It's okay, Sirius. We noticed now."

And they did.

Suddenly he felt desperate, though. Sirius had missed his boyfriends and his friends. He felt tired, but moslty he felt _sad_. And for the first time, Sirius wanted comfort. He felt hot tears well in his eyes. He lifted his hand, and Remus got the message as he came forward and pressed gentle lips to his. "It will be okay." Sirius looked up at Peter and nodded. Then James, who smiled. Suddenly he felt three bodies hugging him tightly.

Sirius didn't have a family anymore.

But it didn't matter.

Because he sort of did. 

And Sirius felt free. If he was leaving his family, he was glad it was for them.

Sirius would do anything for these three people.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the Harry Potter verse.


End file.
